After The Rain

There are some nights when I just want to cry.

About what in particular? I can't always say but it's just this feeling of complete and utter brokeness in me. Sometimes I feel like it's God's way of getting my attention as if to say, "hey, there's something not right within you and I need to break it in order for you to be free." Other nights, like this one, it's like this feeling was born out of my own doing. My own frustration. My own lack of something, whatever that something may be. And it's hard because I want so badly to know what that something is. But for some reason, I can't put my finger on it. Sure, I can easily find a way to blame this person or that for it, especially on this night, but that would be like putting a blanket over a fire. It would temporarily solve my problem until either the smoke chokes me out or the flame burns through the blanket and I'm back at square one.

So, here I sit on this night. In my room, in front of a computer, in the dark, and alone. Hoping that maybe, just maybe, if I concentrate just enough, I'll figure out what that something is. But seriously, do I really want to know what that something is? That dark, evil thing that gets me to this point of breakdown. Could any good possibly come from that? And what if it isn't something at all? Maybe this is one of those moments that God is trying to get my attention. And if that's the case, why am I wasting my time trying to figure it all out? I could be missing something awesome that He has for me. Why am I trying to rationalize this feeling and make it somehow tangible. Does it need a face? No, it doesn't because it's like the blanket over the fire again. Temporary and ineffective.

I'm claiming ownership tonight. These feelings are mine and it's the fault of nobody. Feelings are natural, they're healthy, they're beautiful. If they evoke emotion, so be it. Crying is natural, healthy, beautiful. It's like rain. I love rain personally. It's refreshing. I always feel so much happier after the rain stops than if it had been sunny nonstop for days. I find that amazing too. So many people want beautiful, sunny days all the time. How can that ever be appreciated without a rainy day, or a cloudy day, or night? It can be pouring rain outside, but my heart is happy because I know that when all that has passed, there is a gorgeous day waiting somewhere around the bend. God's mercy is new every morning, and so are His blessings. Nothing reminds me more of this than after the rain. It's brand new. It's fresh. It's perfect. It's complete. That's how I feel after I cry. Broken? At first. Complete? Definitely.

There's something about tears that is beautiful. It's the physical expression of inner renewal in my opinion. I'm learning that again tonight. God did get my attention afterall. Let go of that something. Stop trying to put a face on it. Tonight I just need to cry. And that's okay. After the rain, something beautiful is being born.