I've been reflecting a lot lately. I don't know when I started doing that, but as I'm growing up, there seems to be a lot more to process and figure out about life and self. Looking back at the year 2007 was, a lot has changed for me. But on the flipside, a lot of the questions I had lingered into the new year. I made more mistakes in the past year than I can ever recall, but I experienced the most growth out of any year of my life. Yet I still find myself in this crossroad of what's next in my life.
I often feel like I don't fit in with anyone or anything around me. My friends have ambitions, dreams, and a calling for their lives. I'm stoked for them too because they are so sure of it and I see them running after it with all their heart. Then I look at myself and find that I can't really find my own ambition, my own dream, my own calling. I'm even less sure of it now than I was before. I'm stuck in this fallout and like the lyrics of Jon Foreman in "Dare You To Move," I live in this tension between who I am and who I could be. Between how it is and how it should be.
I know that God has an incredible plan for my life and I want to trust in that so much but I feel like I need to figure it out for myself before He'll even help me get there. And I don't know where that feeling started showing up, but it did. It is a lie from the devil that God doesn't want to reveal to me His divine plans for my life. I need to start believing the truth that I exist first and foremost to worship my Father and to do His will.
Please pray for me because I need so much help in this area. I'm tired of living this tension. I want who I am to be who I should be and I want the way things are to be the way God intends it to be.
I can't live like this anymore. I play so many different parts and I know all my lines but I'm throwing the script out. This is me. This is real. I'm messed up and I'm struggling my way through this life. Everything isn't okay. This journey is getting tough but by the grace of God, I will finish strong.
To my friends, I love you guys so much. You're all truly a Godsend. If you guys didn't accept me and love me the way you have, I don't where I'd be.
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3 comments:
Dude. Even though you may not believe me, because i am off persuing film, and maybe Chinese Waters...i feel exactly the same way. I feel like i am asking God where i should go, and i am not getting any answers. I don't feel like Santa Monica is where i am supposed to be...i am not sure where to go...i don't know what i will do after school...and we dont have any real plans for Chinese Waters.
And so i get depressed and lost feeling. I am pretty good at getting past those feelings, but they are constantly there in the back of my mind. But it is funny, cause God told me that this time was coming. I think i am going to write a post on it now...haha. But be encouraged...cause i think we all feel a little lost and frightened. Thanks for being there for me too.
This is really exciting to read, especially now because you are in a place where you are thriving. This is good news! I'm glad that God is slowly but surely revealing more of Himself and more of His plan to you.
I'm thrilled to be moving in with all of you guys and think that it'll be a really excellent experience. I know that people usually get annoyed at the little idiosyncrasies and habits of people, but more so, allowing ourselves to look past those things and really learn to love one another.
We shall see! (thee eeffeecttss of sleeep..)
see you soon.
it's funny to see this post way after this moment of your life.
i think that's the beauty of journals.
a recording of a journey.
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