With These Words

Masterpiece

2008-05-31T23:48:00.000-07:00

For the dreamers who are dreamless as they search for some direction
For the hopeful who are hopeless drowned in melancholy fields

Few and far between lay triumphs of such magnificent feat
If every little drummer boy marches to his own beat
How can someone find their way by marching to their song?
How will they ever know if what they're doing is wrong?

For if every person parted ways and marched to different beats
Harmony would never be resolved and there'd be no symphony

So who's to tell us "grab a drum and be on your merry way"
When everything inside our soul is screaming at us to stay

But then they say we are the hopeless, dreamless generation
We've yet to prove our doubters wrong and give our explanation
Of who we are and what we could be if we really dared to dream
And follow the hopes hidden inside us becoming one harmony

We can march to one drum and follow our hearts to the cadence of the beat
As we stomp out the fields and find our direction creating our own masterpiece

Move

2008-05-25T21:45:00.000-07:00

I realize that some things are not made to be but my heart has these desires that seem right for me. Most often these aspirations aren’t what they seem and yet I believe them as if in stuck in some sort of dream. Feeding myself the lie I want to hear is leaving me with the empty feeling of pain and anguish and fear.

How do I move on from this disappointment when the world seems like it’s crumbling in my hand? I feel like I have so many more questions than answers and I’m struggling through this desert sand.

God, give me some guidance. Please show me where to go. In this time of suffering I ask your mercy will You show? Give me some direction and hold this blind man’s hand. All I need is to know You’re there. Please let me know I can.

This night it bites so cold and harsh. The weather changes so fast. And yet I know You will never leave or forsake me no matter what the circumstance. You’re bigger than the universe though it seems You’re much farther away. I’m searching for a light to see in this desolate place.

How do I move on when I can’t even see the sun? The dark is taking over and I’ve no strength left to run. But Lord Your loving-kindness has shown its favor on me. You never quit, You never stopped, You’ve never given up on me. You have given me guidance and showed me where to go. In my time of suffering, Your mercy have I known. You gave me direction and You held my weary hand. You let me know that You were there and showed me that I can.

For You are God Almighty, the Risen Lamb of God. Through you all things are possible for the children that You love. You have shown me mercy by sending Your only Son. I’m so thankful for Your sacrifice and I worship You alone. Now I move on and praise you for all You’ve done and will do. I find my strength in You alone my Rock and my Redeemer.

Amen.

Beauty in the Broken

2008-05-23T02:30:00.000-07:00

I've been confined to my house the past three days due to the fact that I had my tonsils and adenoids removed. When I got the unexpected news on the eve of my 22nd birthday that I would need to have this procedure done, I really no idea what to expect from this whole experience.

The doctor gave me a laundry list of things to expect as a result of undergoing this procedure but now that I'm in the middle of it, I never would have expected what's happened to me thus far. These first couple of days since the surgery have been pretty rough. The swelling in my throat has made it painful and at times excruciating to swallow anything. I've been living on a diet of gatorade and water until today as I have graduated to jello.

There hasn't been a moment in my life before this experience that I've felt so hopeless and helpless. I know in comparison to the kind of pain and suffering that people endure daily, this is really nothing but for me, it has been quite the experience.

I've found myself asking the Lord why me and why now? The timing of it all seemed just so inconvenient for me. There were so many things on my list of things to do in the forseeable future that this just didn't fit into my plans. In the solitude and loneliness of my recovery, I've passed the thought that the Lord has taken away everything from me. Everything I do for work got taken away from me. Everything I like to do for fun got taken away from me. The things I like to eat got taken away from me. Who I am was taken away from me.

Here's the best thing about it though. As I've been stuck in the season of rest, the Lord has begun to speak words of life into me. I'm learning to discover who I really am in Christ. I've been discovering the beauty in the broken that in my weakness, the Lord is strong and that in my incompleteness, there can be peace. I'm learning to be still and rest, really rest...something I am not necessarily comfortable doing but that the Lord sees fit for my life right now.

I'm only three days in but this journey has been enlightening. I'm so excited to see what the Lord is going to do as I continue down this road of recovery both physically and spiritually.

Identity

2008-05-14T23:30:00.001-07:00

This has been an interesting week for me and it feels like the Lord is trying to get my attention so He can show me something I've been praying to find. Recently I've been asking myself who I am. This is a standard question I'm sure we've all asked ourselves at one point in our lives. This questioned has vexed me because I can’t seem to identify myself beyond what my interests are and what I do for a living. Don’t get me wrong, who you are and who I am are somewhat about what we do and what we enjoy but the part of it that bothers me is that there must be more to it than that. Shouldn’t there? I love playing the guitar and I love singing. I love serving people and the church and seeing the Lord move through what He allows my hands to do. That is who I think, or should I say thought, I was.

And so that brings me to the point of this interesting week I’ve found myself living. On Sunday, while doing my job, I sliced my index and middle fingers on the hand I use to make chords on my guitar. Since then, I have been unable to play music on my guitar and to be honest, that’s been hard. Little did I know that it was only the beginning of God’s plan for this season of my life. I went to see a Ear, Nose and Throat specialist on Tuesday morning to check out a problem I’ve been having in my right ear. In the process of diagnosing my issue, the doctor determined that I would need to undergo surgery to remove my tonsils and adenoids. I will be having the procedure done next Wednesday. I was also told it would take about a month for me to fully recover from the surgery and was also given a list of things I cannot do while recovering. The list my doctor proceeded to run down of “don’ts” turned out to be every aspect of what I do for my job. Throughout the afternoon I was thinking about this whole situation that so unexpectedly dropped on me and I asked God “why now?”

And the revelation hit me. While initially it seemed like the Lord was taking away everything that made me “who I am,” really, He was stripping away everything so that I can really find out who I am. With all of these things stripped away and a month of rest and Sabbath with the Lord, I can press into His spirit and discover who I am in Christ. Beyond what I do and what I enjoy, who I am in Christ is what is most important and I don’t think I ever would have gone searching for that willingly. So I’m entering this journey, this season, this chapter of my life. I can’t see how this could have gone any other way and I’m excited to travel this road with just Him and me.

Who am I? Who are you? Let's find out. He's wanting to show us.

The Fallout

2008-01-19T02:43:00.000-08:00

I've been reflecting a lot lately. I don't know when I started doing that, but as I'm growing up, there seems to be a lot more to process and figure out about life and self. Looking back at the year 2007 was, a lot has changed for me. But on the flipside, a lot of the questions I had lingered into the new year. I made more mistakes in the past year than I can ever recall, but I experienced the most growth out of any year of my life. Yet I still find myself in this crossroad of what's next in my life.

I often feel like I don't fit in with anyone or anything around me. My friends have ambitions, dreams, and a calling for their lives. I'm stoked for them too because they are so sure of it and I see them running after it with all their heart. Then I look at myself and find that I can't really find my own ambition, my own dream, my own calling. I'm even less sure of it now than I was before. I'm stuck in this fallout and like the lyrics of Jon Foreman in "Dare You To Move," I live in this tension between who I am and who I could be. Between how it is and how it should be.

I know that God has an incredible plan for my life and I want to trust in that so much but I feel like I need to figure it out for myself before He'll even help me get there. And I don't know where that feeling started showing up, but it did. It is a lie from the devil that God doesn't want to reveal to me His divine plans for my life. I need to start believing the truth that I exist first and foremost to worship my Father and to do His will.

Please pray for me because I need so much help in this area. I'm tired of living this tension. I want who I am to be who I should be and I want the way things are to be the way God intends it to be.

I can't live like this anymore. I play so many different parts and I know all my lines but I'm throwing the script out. This is me. This is real. I'm messed up and I'm struggling my way through this life. Everything isn't okay. This journey is getting tough but by the grace of God, I will finish strong.

To my friends, I love you guys so much. You're all truly a Godsend. If you guys didn't accept me and love me the way you have, I don't where I'd be.

I Believe In God

2007-12-30T20:48:00.000-08:00

It's been a couple of days since we arrived in Arizona. I honestly didn't have any expectations for how this trip would be. I just knew that I had this awesome opportunity to come here with my closest friends to visit close friends in this place I've never been.

It's really so wonderful here. I love going outside and seeing pristine blue skies that aren't distracted by white mountains in the sky. It's so amazingly clear as far as the eye can see. I stand in the warmth of the sun but I don't walk inside wet from the humidity. The weather is so light and cool. I love wearing multiple layers of clothes and not dying from heat exhaustion. It's so crazy that only 3000 miles away from home, that this whole different world can exist.

We hiked up Camelback Mountain a couple of days ago. I've never been on such a hike before. The scenery around me literally took my breath away, or maybe that was my lack of being in shape. But I'll tell you, when I got to the top of that mountain, I was able to look around me in every direction and see just a glimpse of this amazing creation. I felt like I was on top of the world for as far as my eyes could see, there was beauty, there was life and there was God.

I imagine this must be a little like what God felt when He created all of this, just standing there, looking all around at the work of His hands. Standing there I began to wonder how anyone could ever question the existence of God. No matter what you believe about God, you have to at least give Him credit for what exists all around us.

Maybe it's just the fact that I grew up in a Christian home. Maybe I've just heard it all in Sunday school since as far back as I can remember learning anything. I don't know what it is, but there on that mountain, I was more sure than ever that I believe in God.

He is as real to me now as He's ever been. The air I breathe that allowed me to make that trek was simply a gift that God gave me so I could stand on that mountaintop with Him and worship and marvel at what He is.

"I Believe in God. And We All Need Jesus. Cause Life Is Hard. And It Might Not Get Easier. But Don't Be Afraid To Know Who You Are. Don't Be Afraid to Show It. If You Believe in God. If You Say You Need Jesus. He'll Be Where You Are And He Will Never Leave You.

Sing to Me Now Words That Are True. So All in This Place Can Know It

We Believe in God. And We All Need Jesus."

Destruction Lane

2007-11-19T16:45:00.001-08:00

Who hit the ground the hardest?

Who ate the most dust?

Was it me or was it my mind indulging in its lust?

The lights flashed so brilliantly, attracting strangers in

Roads so well-traveled, leading men to sin

The path sent out no warnings to the innocent as they walked

Onward explorers ventured, ignorant as they talked

The trekkers expected no danger for foolishness filled their heads

Nothing now could warn them of the danger that lay ahead

They entered the gates of pleasure that claimed so many lives

By now they were indifferent to the sounds of tortuous cries

The men who had gone before them yelled warnings to turn away

But caught up in their foolishness, the travelers went the wrong way

And so they made the journey, down destruction lane

They lost all of their innocence and morality went down the drain

What they failed to notice was that their captors controlled their lives

For all they had indulged in had sucked their souls dry

Now they lay there captive to the foolishness of their crime

And only now they heard the screams of all the other lives

Warnings can only help what the lost are willing to hear

Unless they heed those cautions, they’ll lose all that they hold dear

If only they had listened, if only they’d open their ears

None of this would bind them down through their eternal years

Now they watch the pathway, that evil destruction lane

To warn all those who followed the road that led them to their shame

They cry and scream and shout when they see those unaware

But nothing they do will help them because they don’t seem to care

On and on it continues, so many lives are lost

The allure of the unknown seems worth any price or cost

Traveling down destruction lane, another spirit left behind

Destined to be forgotten, impossible to find

After The Rain

2007-11-12T01:11:00.001-08:00

There are some nights when I just want to cry.

About what in particular? I can't always say but it's just this feeling of complete and utter brokeness in me. Sometimes I feel like it's God's way of getting my attention as if to say, "hey, there's something not right within you and I need to break it in order for you to be free." Other nights, like this one, it's like this feeling was born out of my own doing. My own frustration. My own lack of something, whatever that something may be. And it's hard because I want so badly to know what that something is. But for some reason, I can't put my finger on it. Sure, I can easily find a way to blame this person or that for it, especially on this night, but that would be like putting a blanket over a fire. It would temporarily solve my problem until either the smoke chokes me out or the flame burns through the blanket and I'm back at square one.

So, here I sit on this night. In my room, in front of a computer, in the dark, and alone. Hoping that maybe, just maybe, if I concentrate just enough, I'll figure out what that something is. But seriously, do I really want to know what that something is? That dark, evil thing that gets me to this point of breakdown. Could any good possibly come from that? And what if it isn't something at all? Maybe this is one of those moments that God is trying to get my attention. And if that's the case, why am I wasting my time trying to figure it all out? I could be missing something awesome that He has for me. Why am I trying to rationalize this feeling and make it somehow tangible. Does it need a face? No, it doesn't because it's like the blanket over the fire again. Temporary and ineffective.

I'm claiming ownership tonight. These feelings are mine and it's the fault of nobody. Feelings are natural, they're healthy, they're beautiful. If they evoke emotion, so be it. Crying is natural, healthy, beautiful. It's like rain. I love rain personally. It's refreshing. I always feel so much happier after the rain stops than if it had been sunny nonstop for days. I find that amazing too. So many people want beautiful, sunny days all the time. How can that ever be appreciated without a rainy day, or a cloudy day, or night? It can be pouring rain outside, but my heart is happy because I know that when all that has passed, there is a gorgeous day waiting somewhere around the bend. God's mercy is new every morning, and so are His blessings. Nothing reminds me more of this than after the rain. It's brand new. It's fresh. It's perfect. It's complete. That's how I feel after I cry. Broken? At first. Complete? Definitely.

There's something about tears that is beautiful. It's the physical expression of inner renewal in my opinion. I'm learning that again tonight. God did get my attention afterall. Let go of that something. Stop trying to put a face on it. Tonight I just need to cry. And that's okay. After the rain, something beautiful is being born.

You Send Me

2007-10-13T03:44:00.001-07:00

This is in response to Kevin's previous blog entry...I have only one thing to say:

YOU send me.

Let Your Body Scream

2007-09-06T14:02:00.001-07:00

Wow, I haven't written a new post since July 25 and now it's September 6. I have to admit that when I started this, it was just a way to read the blogs of some other friends who already had their own and to leave them comments and what not. So I never fully intended on using it to it's full extent.

By nature, I don't have much to say that's relevant. Well, I don't think so anyway. I usually just say random things and write it off as "lightening the moment" with stupid comments and such and so having a blogspot would seem pointless for someone like me. I don't have any deep thoughts or profound realizations to share with the people of blogspot nation. My friends totally do and I really enjoy reading them except when they are about academy award winning actors turned dragon slayer, haha.

I wish I knew something amazing and significant that I could relay to the few of you that may stumble upon this that will change your life and that will spur you to bigger and greater things but i'm afraid that's just not going to happen.

Here's what I do know and it's about the only thing that really matters to me lately. God is stirring. And even if you don't know what that means, I know you feel it too. Because at the core of who you are in your most basic but complex humanity is a deep, burning desire to know and understand and be moved.

We've all heard that we should "live in the moment" or "seize the day" because "everyone is doing it." Yet, deep down in the places of our soul that nobody else can see but us there's something else going on. We've all felt the longings for something more, the desire to be someone or something better than we are. Call it a dream, call it a desire, call it passion. I call it God.

And in that truth, I know that God is stirring my spirit. I know that God has uniquely designed me with these soul cravings. The only response I can have to that is to stop and listen and then to obey because I know that I will never be satisfied with just being and just existing when something so strong is compelling me to move.

So I urge you, friends, to take a moment to listen and hear what God is calling you to do. There's nothing better in life that I've seen yet than letting God get a hold of you and using you in remarkable ways. So listen because your soul is speaking and that's God.

Let your body scream so that your soul can be heard.

The Journey

2007-07-25T20:01:00.000-07:00

A couple of months ago I turned 21. I had always imagined that it would be a really big deal and I would suddenly emerge out of adolescence into this mature adult. But as you would probably expect, that did not happen. And as I think about it now, I don't think it necessarily has anything to do with my maturity level as much as it has to do with the mere fact that 21 is not that old. Honestly, there aren't too many people who have it all together when they enter "adulthood" as it is legally known.

This life I have on earth is but a breath. It's a journey. And when I think about a journey I think of excitement, thrill, and adventure. I intend on taking this journey on its fullest extent. God has given me the gift of being able to journey this far and I want to complete the path He has set me on. I really do not know where I'm going but my hope is in Christ with whom I can do all things. And whatever excitement comes my way, whatever thrills lie around the bend and whatever adventures are in store are nothing in comparison to the hope I have in Christ Jesus. So I set my eyes on the prize and I run after it with perseverance and faithfulness so that when I cross that finish line, I can hear the words I long to hear..."well done, good and faithful servant."

I’ve tried to walk the straight and narrow

I’ve stumbled along the way

The obstacles have been difficult

Though I walk in the light of day

The presence of God surrounds me

Though evil lurks close behind

His love still pushes me onward

In my race to the finish line

I know that this life of freedom

Has led to a life of sin

But I had the will to change it

Allowing my Savior in

The finish line grows closer

I see it with my own eyes

My tired legs grow weaker

Though I long to claim my prize

My heart will be filled with pleasure

When I finally cross that line

Though I will endure some hardships

The reward will one day be mine

When I enter the gates of Heaven

The Father will say simply “well done”

And when the journey is over

Eternity will have just begun